tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29732598204903735912024-03-14T04:49:57.747-05:00Everyday MomentsKileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.comBlogger834125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-27149961571369684872022-06-25T20:47:00.000-05:002022-06-25T20:47:21.165-05:00An unexpected diagnosis<p>We had a pretty crazy birth with our firstborn (see the first part of that series <a href="http://kileyseverydaymoments.blogspot.com/2020/06/meeting-our-girl-part-i.html">here</a>), and I went back and forth with our current pregnancy about whether I wanted to have another C-section or not. After doing quite a bit of research, we felt like it was safer to opt for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).</p><p>However, we went for a consultation this week that didn't end quite as expected. Although I knew most of what the doctor said, she mentioned that in our ultrasound that day it showed the baby has a velamentous cord insertion --- meaning that the umbilical cord actually doesn't reach the placenta, and the blood vessels then travel to the placenta unprotected. She said that could mean they could become compressed during labor and restrict blood and oxygen flow to the baby.</p><p>I just nodded my head as she talked, trying to absorb in my pregnancy-fogged brain what she was saying. It didn't mean we couldn't try for a VBAC. It was just up to us.</p><p>My mind fought against this news. Mainly because I had my heart set on a natural birth this time. We want more kids and having a natural birth would mean we wouldn't be limited by how many C-sections I've had. I don't want to not be able to lift up our daughter after surgery, because I don't want her to feel left out and like baby is getting special treatment. I had a horrible recovery last time, and I don't want to go through that again.</p><p>I fought back tears a bit as Nate and I talked through what the doctor had said.</p><p>Really, there is no answer right now. I have weekly appointments to check on the baby until it's due, and that should answer what the best thing is to do. However, with my already higher risk birth, adding this complication that can double the chance of stillbirth makes it seem like a C-section is on the table pretty firmly again.</p><p>We know that God is in control, and we certainly are not. If our pregnancies have taught us anything, it's that we really have no control in this whole process. I'm glad we have a God we can rely on when we can't do anything in the interim. When I was able to process a little bit and talk with my husband, we talked about how the most important thing is to get this baby here safely, and our future children are in the hands of God. If he plans a C-section for us now, then that may be our answer for how many children we are to have. We just need to figure out what the safest arrival for our baby will be right now.</p><p>As I started to research velamentous cord insertion, I ran across the statistic that about 33 percent of first trimester miscarriages have this issue and 26 percent of second trimester miscarriages. That made me think, maybe it's a miracle that our baby is alive and thriving with this condition. It could have ended differently. We had first trimester bleeding, diagnosed as a rather large subchorionic hematoma, that frightened us after our previous miscarriage (<a href="http://kileyseverydaymoments.blogspot.com/2021/11/to-others-going-through-miscarriage.html">I wrote about that here</a>). Instead of looking at this latest diagnosis as another scary proclamation, I need to look at it with gratefulness that God has sustained our little man through something that claims the lives of many growing little ones.</p><p>Plus, once VCI is diagnosed, it seems like it's not too scary and just needs extra monitoring. Without diagnosis and monitoring, it can be much riskier. Maybe the desire to have a VBAC was God's will to have an extra ultrasound and reveal this condition that allows us to make wiser decisions for the safety of our baby. Maybe if we hadn't uncovered this condition it would have led to something more serious during birth.</p><p>So today, I'm going to choose to be grateful. I'm grateful that our little man is growing well despite this abnormality, that he's a good size, that he's active, that he's alive. I'm grateful that we know exactly what's going on with him. I'm grateful that we're able to have doctor appointments to uncover issues such as this. I'm grateful I'm not in control but God is.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-36683371448536644402022-03-16T19:54:00.001-05:002022-03-16T19:54:23.699-05:00Good-bye Noveske; we love you<p> We put down our sweet dog on Monday, and I've been trying to process that loss the past couple of days. Last night, it seemed like the only way I could get out what I was thinking and feeling was writing a letter to our daughter --- so I thought I would share it.</p><p>Dear baby girl,</p><p>I sit here crying and holding a disgusting cat stuffed animal that our bulldog, Noveske, held in her mouth while she slept so many nights, and I'm search for meaning as I cry out to God to help with the pain I feel in my heart. So I decided to write you a letter for the inevitable time that you will also experience the loss of a beloved pet.</p><p>You won't remember Noveske, which is sad, because she was the best dog ever --- your dad's and my first baby, which means she was spoiled rotten. Although stubborn as a mule, she had a heart of gold. She tenderly put up with a pet rat we brought into the family and patiently accepted the pokes and topples from you as a baby and even you playing with her food while she was trying to eat when you were a toddler. I already miss her scent and breathed in her dog bed smell and thought how I'd never again smell her paws that smelled exactly like Doritos.</p><p>She got congestive heart failure, and she went downhill quickly. I didn't see all the signs of failure, because I still saw my baby --- honestly, I've beaten myself up a bit for not being more patient with her because I thought she was just being a punk when now I realize her body was just starting to fail her. The day we put her down, there are a few moments I wish I could change. I would go inside and lay by her while she napped right before the vet came --- even though company came by and I had been cuddling with her all day, and I'm sure she really wanted that nap. I would clarify with the vet that your dad and I were switching places so they didn't rush so fast and she was left alone for 20 seconds with them while I took you outside and Dad took his place by her. But you know what? It's over. So, whatever happens with your beloved pet in those last moments --- let it go. It's over. It isn't right to relive the details and what could have been different. Process them, feel them, and then let them go.</p><p>Don't get rid of everything immediately. Did I think I'd go get her gross stuffed animal to smell and cuddle? No. But I did. Give yourself some time, even if you need to put it out of sight for a bit.</p><p>Talk about what you're feeling. I tend to stay quiet, especially with grief. But talking about our decision to put Novie down and why has helped me be confident in our decision, even amidst the grief.</p><p>It's OK to be sad, for as long as you need to. You're such a tough kid. When I was crying, you looked at your dad and wondered why. You were too young to understand, but Dad said, "She's sad. It's OK to be sad."</p><p>Look for the good God is working. Novie's impending death helped keep my mind off the due date of a baby we lost to miscarriage. You have a cold that has helped keep my mind from constantly being on Novie.</p><p>Let the sorrow help others. I hope I have empathy for those who lose a pet now. This has also reminded me to pray for those who have lost more than a pet, for people we know who are walking into a room and expecting to see a husband or wife there instead of a dog. We are blessed our human family is intact.</p><p>Remember the good times and the little things --- the feeling of Novie's soft, squishy neck that I buried my face in when I told her good-bye; her fat, stubby tail that only wagged when she really meant it; the feeling of her heavy body draped across me when she cuddled; her smooshy face that sometimes looked like she melted into the blankets; the time Dad had to come pick us up on a walk because she couldn't go any farther; her dry, cat-like tongue. What do you remember about your pet? Tell someone. Write it down.</p><p>Know there is a time for everything. "...a time to be born and a time to die...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:2a&4)</p><p>Get out of the house. Don't just sit around. Get out and do something. We went bowling, got burgers and ate ice cream. We smiled, and it took our minds off the grief and made nice memories to look back on that day.</p><p>Know that I'm here. I've been through this sorrow, and I'm so sorry that you're experiencing grief, and I wish I could fix it for you. But I'm here -- for a hug or just to listen. I love you so so much, and I'm so so sorry for your loss.</p><p>It will get better.</p><p>I love you,</p><p>Mama</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg58gYSO97flWOqjbYwoMlJRGW2BDhwgGwQP_tCsjrENTzQqhx939NfTtXZBKQA3OBaqMGAhiXvQSNnyhi-MoWLeOiA-7nMjt3pAYyhn4H1DntOZPtUvOfVWpL936skVL654uQ8zQOsR7pQeBy1PiVgLMV8b1mKrzVAJWOmRD1vCn6CHg19Z5veNOiCkQ=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg58gYSO97flWOqjbYwoMlJRGW2BDhwgGwQP_tCsjrENTzQqhx939NfTtXZBKQA3OBaqMGAhiXvQSNnyhi-MoWLeOiA-7nMjt3pAYyhn4H1DntOZPtUvOfVWpL936skVL654uQ8zQOsR7pQeBy1PiVgLMV8b1mKrzVAJWOmRD1vCn6CHg19Z5veNOiCkQ=s320" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhwpkJKW8ekfJnt0HYZqN48qTUOChZxIPa2JEiIC1AjDcmdZdt-FagODQ25n9G_m827c2C1zY7ksj_15e2ui5iHcmRqyWLum6lR9_V_bXHFk9LUEyHDhDGUT6xlXDOk8tQfXLGmh6iYtvoBVr6l4fDSCW8x9TWLRHC5lz2Qhav6gWSbXd36BrGnes9-TA=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; 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margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh3Iyrcxe0Z1RRp6f4Udo5ef4dkXuEFJ3Vm6fe8uGAuTxsD5zGY1kCDFGGTUQD4mWZ6chOx-7gnpsTeqiwZ60nmavDqMytzbyQW_Pi3ux1_lOfrm-YxP1dBip26mAduJPOcBmq16cd7FQr8GNe1poJUe1WeAE5xj9r-EC60XleH68LU8PGSj7PGIUYuuw=s320" width="240" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhdjLkxKm3PPnk4W2cvqE_S0EdqCI_dxSY2mPPoxJQcC_QSuFWLbWnF0ZRW30xiUvR7lZk4mkeaUJ2Ra4UVmORaIlz0alTMgCs3bvSaHibcQx3MCsXTPmxZixJkxEdtBDm5F-XvxIq4O2bsR9QUXqZKraRVm7GdVBPT4KqwTqEJYlIBzLRAZFI963zgjw=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhdjLkxKm3PPnk4W2cvqE_S0EdqCI_dxSY2mPPoxJQcC_QSuFWLbWnF0ZRW30xiUvR7lZk4mkeaUJ2Ra4UVmORaIlz0alTMgCs3bvSaHibcQx3MCsXTPmxZixJkxEdtBDm5F-XvxIq4O2bsR9QUXqZKraRVm7GdVBPT4KqwTqEJYlIBzLRAZFI963zgjw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-32013721313453281172021-11-07T16:00:00.002-06:002021-11-17T20:07:56.906-06:00People without hope don't want to have children<p> I just read <a href="https://nypost.com/2021/10/27/why-more-young-women-are-getting-sterilized/">this article</a> about how millennials are having children at a far lesser rate than previous generations, and some are even choosing to undergo sterilization so that their choice to be child-free is permanent.</p><p>It's cited in the article that people are afraid to bring children into this world because of how messed up everything is. And also it says that they don't see a hope for this world, so they don't want to have children because they just want to behave as hedonistically as possible.</p><p>Honestly, I understand that.</p><p>If there's no hope for the future, why not have as much fun now as you can? Why not travel, see the sights and enjoy having no responsibility? I can see those people saying kids are just a responsibility that they don't need to have.</p><p>We almost decided to not have children. We agreed that the world is messed up, and did we really want to bring children into that?</p><p>We found God worked in our hearts and changed our minds to help us realize that if we want the world to be any better that we need to be the ones to raise children that make the world better. In addition to that, we don't believe that this is all there is. We have the hope in Jesus Christ that he came to Earth, died and rose from the dead to beat death so that we can accept his free gift of grace and salvation so that someday we can live with him in a perfect place where there is no more pain, no more sickness, no more death, no more anxiety, no more sadness. And we pray that we raise our children right so they also know Jesus and also will spend eternity in heaven with us.</p><p>I understand people who don't have that hope and don't know Jesus and believe that all there is is life here on Earth not wanting to bring children into it. Why subject them to pain and sickness and sadness and death?</p><p>However, we believe this is only temporary. But life with Jesus and life in a perfect place that he's prepared for us is forever after death. With that, we want to create as many souls as possible that will have that hope. We pray daily that our daughter will know Jesus and will spend eternity in heaven with him and with us. We had a miscarriage recently, and I am thankful that we created a soul that has already been blessed to be with Jesus forever.</p><p>In the article, one girl said why not get sterilized now because she lives in Texas and if she gets pregnant, she won't be able to abort her baby? For her, I kind of agree that sterilization would be a smart thing to do. Better at this point to not have any children at all than to have the chance of a child being killed.</p><p>It sounds crazy to get sterilized when you're young, but for those without hope and a future, I think I understand the reasoning.</p><p>I'm just thankful to God that he worked in our hearts to help us see that this is not all there is and that we have hope and a future with Jesus forever and that we can provide that hope to our children. And our hope is that our children will spread that message and even more people will believe and have a future hope with Jesus as well.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-15693784028503555472021-11-06T09:00:00.001-05:002021-11-17T20:09:33.795-06:00He is with you<p> Our daughter recently noticed the baby photos of me, her and my husband hanging in her room, and pretty much daily she wants to give them each a kiss.</p><p>One morning, I just thought, "She loves babies. She would have been such a good sister. Why isn't she going to be a sister?"<br /></p><p>She still could someday, but it just seems like she's ready now. We're ready now for a new little one. It's hard to not know why our baby won't be arriving in March as we expected.</p><p>"But now, this is what the Lord says --- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:</p><p><span> 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.<br /><span> 'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.' " (Isaiah 43:1-2)</span><br /></span></p><p><span><span>We're not promised an explanation. In Job, we see God talking to Satan about why Job went through his trials, but Job didn't see that. However, we're told trials are for our good and for God's glory, so that should be reason enough.</span></span></p><p><span><span>We're not told life won't be hard or painful, in fact, we're told it will be. But we're told we will remain afloat in the river of struggle and unscorched in the heat of fire. Because we're God's, and not just one of many, but by name. He knows each of us --- we're his.</span></span></p><p><span><span>I thank God for being with us through it all. He isn't just watching as we go through the pain of miscarriage; he's WITH US. He's not standing on the shore and watching; he's with us in the torrent of rushing water. That's so much more comforting. Think of it like a lifeguard, who loves you, not just watching to make sure you're not drowning as you flail while learning to swim but one who is in the water next to you, holding you up when you need a breath and a break, promising you'll get strong if you keep going, encouraging you, making sure nothing will happen to you.</span></span></p><p><span><span>God is with you every step of the way.</span></span></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-29050461032520862152021-11-05T09:00:00.002-05:002021-11-17T20:11:47.252-06:00What's our ultimate goal as parents?<p> After our miscarriage, I decided to put together cards people had written, Bible verses that spoke to me, our ultrasound pictures and other thoughts in a notebook my mother-in-law gave me when it happened. I hope that maybe someday my children can learn from the lessons that I have been given through this experience, and I thought I'd share some of them on here too.</p><p>If you know anyone someday going through the same thing, please share these blogs. I'd love for someone else to find hope through what we've gone through, for God to redeem this situation and find glory if I can help someone else find him through the hardship.</p><p>---</p><p>I decided to listen to an audiobook about Jeannie Gaffigan ---<a href="https://www.amazon.com/When-Life-Gives-You-Pears/dp/1538751046"> a comedian's wife who had brain surgery to remove a pear-sized tumor </a>--- because I knew I needed some perspective. It turned out that although they have five kids, she mentioned miscarriages and told the story of going into preterm labor at 22 weeks, after seeing a healthy baby girl on an ultrasound only a couple of weeks before.</p><p>They knew the baby couldn't survive at that age, and she only lived a few hours. Jeannie asked a nun to save her baby girl, and the nun said, "What is your ultimate goal as parents? Is it to get your children to heaven? Well, this one's already going."</p><p>I was driving when I hear that, and I called my husband, tears coming to our eyes, because that's our ultimate goal -- for our children to get to heaven and love Jesus. Well, we already have one baby there. I thank the Lord Jesus we will get to spend eternity with our child, even though we missed a few years here.</p><p>"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and you right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:7-16)</p><p>I prayed this over our baby. I was fearfully and wonderfully made, and so was this little one, in miniature, perfect form. I know God saw this baby, and he knew exactly how long it would be on this earth as a blessing to us. He wasn't surprised when our babe went to be with him.</p><p>Things looked dark here to us, but that darkness is light to him, because he lights it up and because he sees the victory that comes at the end when Jesus will finally come back and defeat evil once and for all. I am so thankful for our child and that he or she now makes his or her bed in heaven, where Jesus is. I absolutely cannot wait to meet him or her, give him or her a hug and tell him or her I love them. We will get to spend forever together.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-9567955112435666772021-11-04T13:40:00.002-05:002021-11-17T20:15:20.987-06:00To others going through miscarriage --- there's hope beyond the now<p>I wrote this the week it happened, but I couldn't share it. It still hurts --- I'm sure it always will. But I pray someday these next few blogs will help someone else going through the same pain.</p><p>----</p><p>With a spotting concern, I drove to the ER, hoping to get an ultrasound to see that our baby was kicking away and there wasn't anything unusual going on.</p><p>However, as a doctor entering the hospital for his shift told me to sit down and wait a minute until a nurse could check in with me, tears starting overflowing the fear that churned inside me.</p><p>The intercom turned on.</p><p>"Have you been helped?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"What can we do?"</p><p>"I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I'm having some bleeding," I said, barely able to say the words through my the tears breaking my voice.</p><p>----</p><p>The ultrasound popped up on the screen of the cart that was rolled into my room, and the physician's assistant that had walked past me when I first entered the ER entrance rolled the wand along my bare stomach.</p><p>"I don't like it," he murmured to himself.</p><p>I saw the blurred image on the screen, and I could see the bright spot in the center of the little body that a few weeks ago was blinking quickly. However, that bright spot was still.</p><p>He kept rolling the wand around in different angles.</p><p>"I don't see a heartbeat."</p><p>A sob rocked my body, and I pressed my hands over my eyes as I lay on the table, trying to keep my belly still as I cried so that the PA-C could continue his job. I felt the nurse's hand gently on my blanket-covered foot.</p><p>"It doesn't mean...that's just what I'm seeing right now and I want to tell you what I'm seeing."</p><p>No heartbeat on the monitor, no heartbeat other than my own on the doppler. The PA-C called a larger hospital that my OB-Gyn was based out of and decided I needed a more formal ultrasound.</p><p>"I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am," he said.</p><p>----</p><p>We headed to the other hospital, but I told my husband what had happened and that I could see on the monitor there wasn't a heartbeat. Of course, I prayed that God would do a miracle and we would arrive there to find our baby was just resting and was up and moving.</p><p>It wasn't to be.</p><p>The ultrasound tech turned the lights off and started by "taking some routine pictures" of my uterus and ovaries. But I knew that if the baby was OK, she would have said immediately that she saw a heartbeat. She didn't.</p><p>She measured the baby, and the screen read 10w6d. I was supposed to be 15 weeks along.</p><p>She pulled up a view of the baby again.</p><p>"Do you want a photo for a keepsake?"</p><p>That was it. That was her way of saying it.</p><p>Our baby was gone.</p><p>"Did I read that right? The baby is measuring at 10 weeks?" I asked.</p><p>"Yes," she said.</p><p>"That's when we had our first ultrasound. It was fine then, with a strong heartbeat. It must have happened right after."</p><p>She showed us where the skin had thickened on the little skull. She said that only happens when the child has been gone for a few weeks.</p><p>The ultrasound tech left the room after kindly asking if she could get our daughter some crackers as she was starting to get antsy. We declined but thanked her for the thoughtfulness.</p><p>Tears welled as I asked my husband if he would pray.</p><p>"I don't know what to say," I said.</p><p>He prayed for us --- for our sorrow --- and he thanked God that our baby was in the arms of Jesus and was able to circumvent the harshness of this world.</p><p>I hadn't thought of that. We had created a new soul, and although that little one never made it out to this earth, it was still a human and that meant it went to heaven that day more than a month before. It meant that it had the incredible blessing of never having to experience pain, disappointment, illness, heartache, fear. It was able to escape immediately to a place that God has created for all of his children.</p><p>That kind of blew my mind. If there's anything to be thankful for, it's that. What a blessing that our child never had to experience suffering.</p><p>----</p><p>I didn't want to tell people. I selfishly didn't want to hear the sympathetic words or to see anyone else grieve our loss. It's too personal. I didn't want constant reminders as I tried to sort through my thoughts. My man is my rock, and he did what needed to be done. I don't know how I'd do life without him or get through something like this without him.</p><p>My thoughts are still churning. One second I'm fine. The next I'm heartbroken that I'll never get to see this child, never get to hold it in my arms. I'm terrified at how I'll feel when I have the surgery and I'm actually no longer pregnant, when this child that I know has been gone for a while is truly gone.</p><p>But our Romans commentary, which I made my husband read when I couldn't get the words out, talked about how the Holy Spirit suffers with us. Literally, that night it said when a mother holds her lifeless child, the Spirit is there is anguish right alongside us. No one can tell me that God wasn't directly speaking to me through that passage on that exact night.</p><p>Plus, the next day, as I continued to lean on Romans 8:26-27 --- now inscribed on a necklace I wear with a heart that bears the pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon --- my best friend texted me that she was praying this exact verse over us.</p><p>Again, you can't tell me that our dear Father wasn't speaking directly to us through other people.</p><p>So I keep crying out, "Lord." That's it. I don't really have any other words. I keep relying on the Holy Spirit to do the talking for me.</p><p>I look at my life, and there is so much good. I'm so thankful I have my daughter to hold onto when my arms are empty, and I have my husband to hold me when I can't hold myself up. Mostly, I'm thankful that our dear Savior has given us hope that those who believe in his sacrifice on the cross will have life after death. So it breaks my heart, but I pray that Jesus will tell our child --- who is now whole and perfect --- that I love him or her and I can't wait to meet him or her.</p><p>And I pray that on this side, good comes out of this as well. Maybe it will be a way that we can tell people about the hope of Jesus. Maybe it will be a way that we can empathize with others in the future. Maybe it will be a way for God to bring us even closer together, to make us more appreciative, to make us stronger, to help us know him more --- I mean, God lost a son too, on the cross. Maybe we'll never know what the good is, but God does. He promises that his plan is for the good of those who love him. There's going to be many more ups, downs, questions, fears, tears, thankfulness, pain and love, but I'm so blessed that I have hope beyond the now.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-62804248168829952412021-08-23T21:35:00.000-05:002021-08-23T21:35:08.636-05:00A 99-cent dress<p> I looked in my closet and pulled out the black and gold dress that I had planned to wear to an upcoming wedding.</p><p>It's been a few years since we've been to a wedding, so most of my nice dresses have been put away for a while.</p><p>I slipped into the dress and looked in the mirror, but it didn't fit the way that I thought it would. I tried on a few more and came across one that fit better than I thought, but it was about 12 years old and I thought maybe it was out of style --- or maybe I've had it for so long that it's back in style!</p><p>I had pretty much decided on this gray dress when I spotted a darkened stain on the skirt. I put some stain remover on it and washed it, but I guess a decade-old stain doesn't wash away so easily, so there I was back at square one.</p><p>There were a few more options, another older dress that still looks nice but has been worn plenty of times, or the black and gold original option that was OK but nothing stunning.</p><p>We're tightening up our budget a lot now that I'm not working, and I knew we didn't have any extra funds this month to be buying new clothes, especially for just one occasion, but I decided to head to a local discount store with our daughter to see if I could find anything.</p><p>I didn't.</p><p>So, I took a walk through Goodwill on our way back home and spotted a peach dress I thought might work. Dresses were $4.75, more than I really wanted to spend (yes, I didn't want to spend $5...) but I tried it on anyway.</p><p>I took it into the dressing room and saw that it had a red tag, which meant it was on sale. I didn't know how much, but I thought usually sale meant half-price at Goodwill.</p><p>The dress was nice, and I sent a video to my husband to see if he liked it. He was busy at work, so I walked around the store a bit to wait to see if he answered. He wasn't able to, and I debated whether I really needed to spend money on another dress when I had suitable options at home.</p><p>I decided to go for it and knew I could return it if I decided against it this week.</p><p>I took the dress to the register, and the cashier rang it up.</p><p>"99 cents," she said.</p><p>My eyes widened a bit.</p><p>"Wow. Well, can't beat that."</p><p>"Did you need the receipt?"</p><p>"No, I'm good." With a price like that, I didn't figure I needed to worry about returning it.</p><p>I took the dress home and tried it on with a pair of pumps and liked the look.</p><p>I had told my friend that I wasn't finding anything suitable to wear for the wedding, and she said she'd pray for me. I texted her and thanked her for her prayers and said I had found something, and for only 99 cents.</p><p>I have struggled a bit with what to pray for lately. We have some big things in our lives, and I bring them to God but I don't want to be too needy about material things. Especially with what has been happening to Christians around the world, most recently with those in Afghanistan, I just haven't felt like I could pray for trivial things.</p><p>But you know what? It seems silly, but that dress was like a little message from God telling me that he cares. He cares how I feel. And I thought, if God would bless me with something so silly as a 99-cent dress, why do I think that he doesn't care about the bigger things, trivial in the grand scheme of things or not?</p><p>It's a message that's been repeated several times in the last few days now that I look at it. Our pastor on Sunday said he was convicted during worship that he has been focusing on us pursuing God and loving God and not about how much God loves us. Our old pastor said in a sermon that I read that if we as parents, as evil humans, give gifts to our children, how much more so does God give good gifts to us? Nate even commented on a song on the radio that began with a nod to the verses about how the lilies of the fields don't worry about clothes and the sparrows don't worry about food but God cares for them, how much more does he care about us? Then the book I'm reading has been all about how God loves us and pursues us because we are valuable.</p><p>If you don't know it today --- God loves you. He cares about you. He's not bothered by your life; he has given you your life and he wants you to share it with him.</p><p>We are his first love, and he'll never stop trying to win us back.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-86376035995031333912021-05-10T20:06:00.000-05:002021-05-10T20:06:01.952-05:00The good vs. the bad husband<p>Our pastor said, "Imagine if your husband thought everything you do is wrong. He comes home, and he begins pointing out all that you have done wrong. Your clothes are wrong. The kids are behaving wrong. Your make-up is wrong. The house isn't kept properly. Dinner isn't good. How would that make you feel?"</p><p>I put myself in that situation, and my stomach churned a bit.</p><p>That would be awful. In fact, it would almost make you not want to live. If nothing you ever did was right, why even bother?</p><p>The pastor continued, "However, you die. You're brought back to life, and you're no longer married to that man. Now, you are married to a good man. This man couldn't love you any more. However, even though he doesn't see anything you do as wrong, he still is able to help you be a better person, to lift you up even higher. Would you ever think, 'Well, this is nice, but maybe I'll go knock on my old husband's door and try that relationship again'? Of course not."</p><p>That sounds absurd right?</p><p>The pastor was talking about Romans 7:2-3, which reads, "For example, by law, a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man."</p><p>I had always read that as straightforward. OK, don't get divorced, but if your husband dies, you can get remarried.</p><p>I had no idea until yesterday that this is a parable. Paul was actually talking about Jews and the law of the Old Testament disguised as a real-life story they could understand.</p><p>You see, the law is a set of rules that no one could ever live up to. You'd have to be perfect every moment --- both in your mind and in your actions --- of every day for your entire life. No human can do that. </p><p>The law is a bad husband. It constantly shows you what you're doing wrong. "You broke the law --- you didn't give back the extra penny that the cashier accidentally gave you. You stole. You hate that person whose political views don't align with yours --- that's as bad as murder."</p><p>It's not that God gave the law to punish people, it's just that God is so perfect that he can't take anything less than perfection. So he gave the law to show people that they aren't perfect, and that they can't earn their way to relationship with him.</p><p>So Jews --- well, everyone --- have to die to the law and thinking that we can earn our way to heaven. We can't. Instead, God sent his son to live perfectly --- as God demands --- and to die in our places, for our sins. Then he rose again to beat death, and all we have to do is accept his sacrificial gift.</p><p>Jesus is the good husband. The church is the bride of Christ, and we all make up the church. He loves us so much that he doesn't even see us as doing wrong anymore. And at the same time, he is constantly lifting us up, helping us to do better. We have the best relationship, why on earth would we go back to trying to earn our way into heaven?</p><p>This fascinated me.</p><p>It also made me so thankful.</p><p>Earthly marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Men are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25) As the pastor spoke about the good husband versus the bad husband, I thought about my husband. He loves me. He loves me so much that he looks past most of my faults. There are many times when I talk about something wrong with me and he just doesn't see it. Yet, at the same time, he pushes me to be better, lifts me up, helps me to be the best I can be and more.</p><p>My husband is a wonderful earthly example of the good husband that Christ is to the church.</p><p>I just can't even express my thankfulness. My thankfulness that Christ gave himself up for me and loves me so much that I don't have to be married to the "law," and thankful that my husband is a man of God who exemplifies this every day in real life.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-91345067516990987582021-04-18T14:07:00.000-05:002021-04-18T14:07:06.201-05:00More than we can ask or imagine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/g0p5Ie0O1eI" width="320" youtube-src-id="g0p5Ie0O1eI"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This church posts its weekly sermons, and regular viewership is around 20-30 views. The video above has 4,400 views. The one below has 1,200.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gKPSYrXOOTQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="gKPSYrXOOTQ"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">That's because these two messages are from Sgt. Jim Smith, who was recently shot and killed in his role as an Iowa State Trooper. People now know his name and are looking up what he had to say.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">When I see these messages, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me think about life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">First, I see that Jim gave the "Act Your Age" message a month ago. No one ever thought as he was giving it that this 51-year-old man would be gone in only three weeks' time. We never know what the future holds.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Second, I think about the fact that as so many people mourn the loss of this godly man that it is so much different for him. Because he loved Jesus so much and had accepted Jesus' death and resurrection in place of his sins, Jim is now experiencing the utmost joy --- he is in the presence of God.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Third, I think about these views. When Jim gave these messages to his small-town church, I'm sure he expected maybe 50-100 people to hear him. I'm sure he never thought that his messages would reach thousands, and that thousands more would hear the gospel message of Jesus' sacrifice for all of us at his funeral. It makes me think of Ephesians 3:20-21, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In the midst of heartbreak and turmoil, God is able to still use Jim and his legacy, immeasurably more than I'm sure he could have ever asked for or imagined.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm so sorry for Jim's family. I'm so sorry for all the people who loved him. But I'm thankful for a God that can redeem a terrible situation and use it to reach people for His glory. May Jim's family be proud that he is continuing to set an example even now.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-39807546623431260212021-03-21T19:34:00.000-05:002021-03-21T19:34:07.296-05:00This too shall pass...<p> People in the world have been going through some hard things.</p><p>There has always been difficulty, but I think that the past year has just amplified the bad that is going on all around us.</p><p>When we ourselves are going through a hard time, we often get mired down by it. We wallow in it. We focus on the bad.</p><p>But sometimes, it is good to think ahead about a day when what you're going through won't seem quite so terrible. Your baby will sleep, eventually. Our kids will go back to school, eventually. Winter will be over, eventually.</p><p>"This too shall pass."</p><p>It might sound flippant, but we've all gone through difficult times before, and we've come out on the other side. However, that doesn't mean that we weren't a little worse for the wear.</p><p>I heard a quote on the radio, and I immediately wrote it down. The radio announcer said the typical, "This too shall pass." But then she went on to say, "It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass."</p><p>That means that when we're going through a difficult time, don't expect to just skate through it. It might be hard. It might be painful. It might seem like it's taking forever to resolve.</p><p>However, it will pass.</p><p>Eventually.</p><p>It just may hurt while it's passing.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-64695350239548733342021-03-14T19:12:00.002-05:002021-03-14T19:12:13.523-05:00A surprise love of learning<p>I like to learn.</p><p>I have found that out about myself in the last few years. I was always good at school, but I honestly think that most of that was more due to my ability to memorize facts and not that I'm smarter than people who don't get straight As. I got better grades that my husband, but he is definitely smarter than me --- I just applied myself.</p><p>I didn't particularly enjoy school. I liked some of my classes, especially my writing classes in college, but I always knew that I had no desire to continue my education past a bachelor's degree. It just didn't seem worth it, and I certainly didn't want to spend any more time or money on schooling.</p><p>With my last job, though, I was constantly learning. I worked in the environmental field, something that was completely foreign to me, and I came home with new tidbits every day. I was excited when I found out something new that I could tuck away and use for conversation later or that I could share with other people who would care --- and sometimes those that didn't.</p><p>Now that I'm not working, I've discovered that I still have a desire to continue learning.</p><p>A friend that led our small group at our former church inspired my husband and I to look into reading biblical commentaries. We also have a radio talk show host that wrote some biblical commentaries that we wanted to look into.</p><p>It turns out, we have loved them.</p><p>I love digging deeper into verses and books of the Bible that I thought I knew so well and learning what the original text is literally translated as, what the culture of that time was like, how there is so much more meaning buried in every sentence that what I thought when I just read lines quickly to check off my Bible reading for that day.</p><p>Then I read a book on apologetics --- basically how to discuss the Bible and how to back up what I believe in. I'm pretty sure that I will have to read that book many more times.</p><p>Each time I read a book, I put another on the list that I want to read. Plus, I get excited about being able to share tidbits about what I've learned with others, just like the way I got to share nature tidbits from my last job.</p><p>I've realized that my love for learning has been fulfilled by delving deeper into the Word of God, and that makes me really glad that we are blessed enough that I am able to not work right now. Without working, I've been able to dig into a study area that's even more important than the environment --- my relationship with the creator of the environment, the creator of nature, the creator of the universe.</p><p>And there's so much more to learn.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-79405304486997810702021-03-07T12:45:00.003-06:002021-03-07T12:45:37.463-06:00All God's grace<p> There's a sign in our daughter's room that was given to us at her baby shower.</p><p>It says, "All God's grace in one tiny face."</p><p>It's a sweet saying, and it is on the wall right above her changing table. I was sitting across the room while I was nursing her, and I looked at that sign. I had just read a sermon that talked about the difference between mercy and grace. Mercy is God not giving us what we deserve --- for instance, he doesn't send all humans to hell to pay for all of our mistakes, all of our sins, which is what we deserve when we compare our filth to his perfect righteousness. Grace, however, is God giving us what we don't deserve.</p><p>I looked at our daughter's tiny face and realized that sign is exactly what she is. Grace. God gave us a tiny human that we absolutely don't deserve.</p><p>I don't deserve the smiles that she gives me. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve the opportunity to raise her. I fall short so often.</p><p>However, God saw fit to give us, in her grace, this undeserved blessing.</p><p>And when I look at her tiny, little face, I am so, so thankful that he did.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-78411695027782873562021-03-03T09:53:00.003-06:002021-03-03T09:53:39.833-06:00Navel gazing<p> I heard someone use the term "navel gazing" the other day, and I had never heard it before.</p><p>Picture it, you're looking down at your belly button, and what expression do you have on your face? I'm guessing it's not a smile. How often does a happy, joyous, peaceful expression include turning our faces downward? Pretty much never.</p><p>Navel gazing is a portrayal of the "woe is me" attitude. We're sad, disheartened, discontent when we "navel gaze."</p><p>I really liked the phrase and decided to tuck it away for future use, because I think it's just so descriptive. "Stop being a navel gazer," which means look up, look ahead, look at what's around you. When we stare at our navels, we're not noticing the beauty around us, the moments filled with family and friends, the sun shining through the window, the smell of spring on the air. When we stare downward, we focused inward and on our own troubles.<br /></p><p>I challenge you this week to look up, look ahead, look outside of yourself and stop being a navel gazer. There's a lot of wonderful things right in front of you if you take the time to focus your eyes forward.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-24988999061942003312021-02-23T13:33:00.002-06:002021-02-23T13:33:10.466-06:00Better news than Progressive insurance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/mYmi0mYYYrs" width="320" youtube-src-id="mYmi0mYYYrs"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I have been trying to come to grips with why telling people about God makes me uncomfortable.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I guess it boils down to fear. I'm very introverted, and it is difficult for me to talk to people out loud --- writing is just fine. It makes my underarms sweat just having to make phone calls. That means that thinking about discussing something as important as Jesus is quite terrifying.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm also afraid that people will ask questions that I don't know the answers to right off hand, or that I won't explain well. Many times in a discussion --- not even about faith --- I will think about it later and come up with something much better to say. I'm not good off the cuff.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm afraid of turning people off. When I think about people who have approached me about religion, even Christianity, a lot of them come off in a way that makes it very unappealing. They are too forceful, too fake. It doesn't make me want to be like them or "buy what they're selling." I don't want people to just shrug off what I have to say because I make it look unappealing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I don't want to share at a bad time. What if I am jumping ahead of the Holy Spirit? What if that person's heart isn't ready to hear the good news of Jesus' saving grace?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">However, as I think through all these things, it seems like God keeps repeating to me the words of our new pastor. "There's never a bad time to share the gospel."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Could it be that people will ask questions I don't know the answer to? Yes. I may have to look something up later. Could it be that I don't explain something right? Yes. I have to trust that God can use even my blunders. Could it be that someone sees me as annoying or fake? Yes. But that is not my problem if I truly am sincere. Could it be that I share at a wrong time? Yes. But I have to trust that the Holy Spirit will continue to work and perhaps that will just be a seed that is harvested at a different time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">When I saw the Progressive commercial above, it convicted me. If Flo can go up to a total stranger and be so passionate about insurance that she immediately begins sharing her good news, how much more should we all be passionate about sharing the best news? The news that Jesus loved people so much that he came from his place in heaven to live a perfect life in a human body and died in place of us --- a perfect sacrifice --- to cover our sins, and then that he rose again to beat Satan and death is the best news of all.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It's a lot better news than a discount on insurance, that's for sure.</div><br /><p><br /></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-43753079054784247572021-02-21T14:07:00.005-06:002021-02-21T14:07:51.431-06:00A heart at peace gives life<p> I've been reading through the book of Proverbs during my quiet time, and even with just two chapters every day, it seems like my brain can't take in all the wisdom that's in there --- which is prudent, since the theme of the entire book is the pursuit and value of wisdom.</p><p>Here's one: "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones" (Proverbs 14:30)</p><p>Contentment has always been a big deal to me. I grew up frugal --- cheap... --- and it's important to me to not be constantly striving after stuff. I hate just browsing, because I don't want to get items that I don't need, and I don't want to pine after things. When an item is on my wish list and I just keep looking at it, it makes me uneasy. I feel unsettled.</p><p>When I decide that what we have is enough and am satisfied, I feel content, settled, at peace. It's true that a heart at peace, a mind that is content, gives life to the body. It is fulfilling and not draining.</p><p>Constantly striving for more, trying to keep up with what I see others have, desiring the next big thing rots the bones and makes one anxious.</p><p>We have so much. Let's look at what we do have and be at peace instead of looking at what we don't have and seeing emptiness.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-89118677122927624582021-02-15T19:31:00.001-06:002021-02-15T19:31:05.891-06:00Don't just fill your quiver but make sure your arrows are a formidable weapon<p>"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!" (Psalm 127:3-5a)</p><p> We weren't sure for a long time if we wanted to have children. It's quite the world outside, and we just didn't know if we wanted to bring kids into it. We were finally convicted by the thought that the world certainly isn't going to get better if good people stop having kids to avoid it, and instead we wanted to bring up children that were going to make a difference.</p><p>When the topic comes up about Christians having kids, the verse "Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" is often trotted out. "Have as many kids as you can, that's what you're supposed to do." However, the verse before that is so important.</p><p>Arrows in the hands of a warrior are a powerful weapon. Warriors practice and gain knowledge about their weapon so that it will shoot straight and impact the enemy. Arrows are not harmless; they are made to inflict damage.</p><p>We have a child. So it's now our job to learn about our faith, to instill that faith into our child and to send her out on as straight a path as we can so she can inflict the most damage on the lies that permeate our culture, on the demons that are trying to destroy this world and to spread the hope of God's love that is this world's only saving grace.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-49030529686462920852021-02-07T19:04:00.001-06:002021-02-07T19:04:01.340-06:00Persecuted Christians in North Korea<p> Our upstairs neighbors were driving me nuts the other night.</p><p>I turned off the TV, and when I tried to go to sleep it sounded like a herd of elephants was stomping around and running from one side of the room to the other above me. It was incredibly annoying, but I was glad that at least it was above our room and not our daughter's.</p><p>The next night, though, two loud thuds woke her up twice in the first two hours she was asleep for the night. I could feel my annoyance rising as I held her and shushed her back to sleep for the second time.</p><p>I felt like it was petty, but I knew that I could pray about the noise. God cares about even the little things in our lives. And I did pray about it, but it also made me think about an article in my <a href="https://www.persecution.com/globalprayerguide/north-korea/?_source_code=WHPB20C">Voice of the Martyrs</a> magazine that was about the Christians that live in North Korea. It is estimated that 30,000 Christians are currently in concentration camps in the country, and one story said that a survivor told how often Christians have their mouths filled with gravel so they can't cry out when they are beaten to death.</p><p>Starving, beaten, forced to endure the elements while performing brutal labor --- these Christians have a life more horrible than I could ever imagine. Once called the "Jerusalem of the East," North Korea was actually a thriving Christian region in the early 1900s, with 2,000 or more churches. However, the Kim family's dictatorship now considers all religions, other than Juche --- which is worshipping the Kim family --- as illegal. Christians are treated as enemies of the state.</p><p>So, I decided that I would pray for the North Korean persecuted Christians while I sat and rocked our daughter back to sleep.</p><p>I can't say I'm not going to get annoyed again at the noise above us, but I can say, I think that it will be a constant reminder of the Christians around the world who are suffering right at this moment. And that noise will be a call to pray for them and maybe think more about the positives in my life instead of the negative.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-75772314504597218742021-01-30T14:28:00.001-06:002021-01-30T14:28:30.239-06:00God still reigns<p> I wake up and watch the news, and it gives me a pit in my stomach.</p><p>As a Christian, it seems like the world is steadily coming for us, and it makes me scared for the future. So, I keep reminding myself that God is still in charge. When Nero was burning Christians as lights for his garden parties, God still reigned. When John was boiled alive for spreading the gospel, God still reigned. When Christians were tortured in Romanian prisons under Communist rule, God still reigned.</p><p>When Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace for following God under Nebuchadnezzar's rule, God still reigned. When Daniel faced the lion's den after continuing to pray even when commanded not to pray to anyone but Nebuchadnezzar, God reigned. I read a portion of Daniel 4 today, and it gave me hope that even in a world that is swirling out of control, we still need to pray for our leaders, because God can turn anyone's heart around. Did you know that Nebuchadnezzar actually ended up praising God?</p><p>"Now, I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the king of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble." Daniel 4:9</p><p>"Those who walk in pride he is able to humble." That person you might think is too far gone to be saved, isn't. One of the worst kings in history eventually came to Christ, so why can't the politicians that we think are too far gone also be brought to repentance?</p><p>Lord, I ask for mercy on this country. Please don't give us what we deserve, because we deserve your wrath. We deserve to be taken down for the horrible path that we are on. However, you can redeem us. You can redeem your people. You can redeem this nation.</p><p>Someday, Jesus will come back. He will bring down a just wrath on this earth and all the evil and wrong done here, and all who have not accepted his gift of grace and accepted him as their savior will be brought to justice. Those who believe in his name will be saved from our just punishments. But until that time, continue to hope, dear Christians. God isn't slow to bring about his promises, he is just waiting to save as many people as he can, as many Nebuchadnezzars as he can.</p><p>"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3: 8-9</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-43564496939947424432021-01-05T11:03:00.000-06:002021-01-05T11:03:09.471-06:00I just need to try harder...<p>I can't escape from the fact that every time God is trying to teach me something, I see reminders of it everywhere.</p><p>In church, the pastor talked about how God is not satisfied leaving us where we are. He will forever continue to work on us.</p><p>"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." (Psalm 138:8)</p><p>He also did a series on the fruits of the Spirit that reminded me that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control are not traits that I can manifest but are traits that the Holy Spirit working in me manifests. </p><p>So it's not a coincidence that after writing about this in my prayer journal that today's devotion talked about letting God do his work in us that we can't do for ourselves and quoted Philippians 1:6, "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."</p><p>Or that I followed that devotion by reading a chapter in my book about apologetics that refuted the philosophy of self-helpism, the theory that we can change ourselves if we just put our minds to it, when in reality we can work hard but can't change who we really are --- sinful --- without God's grace and work in us.</p><p>OK, God. I get it.</p><p>I need to stop thinking that I can do better if I only work harder, concentrate more, am more self-disciplined. It's only taken 32 years of failure in that aspect for me to realize that I can press on for more, but only God's grace in my life can actually accomplish anything.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-64546299762107952462020-12-29T13:43:00.001-06:002020-12-29T13:43:35.232-06:00Maybe 2020 wasn't as bad as we think<p> As 2020 comes to a close, I've seen a lot of posts about "P*** off 2020" or "What a horrible year..."</p><p>My parents were talking about that the other day, and my mom recounted their conversation to me. She said that she told my dad what an awful year this had been for our family, with only two of the nine of us not having medical issues that put us in the hospital.</p><p>But my dad said, "It wasn't a horrible year, it was a wonderful year."</p><p>That's because, despite our baby's heartrate dropping during labor and having to be born via C-section, during which one of my arteries was cut and I hemorrhaged blood almost to the point of a transfusion, we were both fine.</p><p>Despite my brother's entire family getting in a terrible car accident and flipping their vehicle, they were fine.</p><p>Despite my dad suffering from kidney stones and cutting his hand and needing stitches, he was fine.</p><p>In all honesty, we could have lost six of the nine of us this year, very easily. Had just a few things been different, six of us could have died. It's not unheard of. You see tragedies like that in the news all the time, that a mom loses her entire family just before Christmas or a wife's husband and children die in a wreck.</p><p>But that didn't happen to us. Thank you God that our family is still intact, that we're in generally good health, although some are still recuperating from injuries.</p><p>It really is all in the way that you look at it.</p><p>Yes, this year has been crazy, but even that craziness has brought in good. We've been stuck at home, but that means that I've had so much time to be able to spend with our daughter and bond with her. I quit my job, but it worked out perfectly because we had to move for my husband's new job anyway. We left behind many good friends in our move, but we've been able to see our family at least once every two weeks, when it used to be months in between visits.</p><p>2020 has been a memorable year, but when we look back at the good that has come from what could be deemed "worthless" and "horrible" and just tossed aside, we'd be losing a lot of good memories, a lot of reasons to be thankful.</p><p>So, thank you Lord for 2020. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for bringing us through.</p><p>And if 2021 is the same or "worse," let us not wish time away but make the most of what You have given us. As Jeremy Camp's new song says, "Let me live with my eyes wide open. 'Cause I don't want to miss what you have for me."</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-44634579304629228272020-12-22T13:37:00.001-06:002020-12-22T13:37:09.460-06:00Stop pushing against God<p> Our daughter was fussing in church, and she was giving definite signs that she was hungry so I got up to take her into the bathroom to nurse her and quiet her down for the rest of service.</p><p>My mom arms have definitely acclimated to holding our 22-pound 7-month-old, but she can still make it difficult sometimes when she is squirming, or planking, or just trying to wriggle out of my grasp.</p><p>I was standing in a stall with the door open --- I figured I didn't want to just stare at a door but wanted to be able to close it if someone came in --- and was looking at us in the mirror while she ate. My arms were starting to get tired, and I realized that it was because while she was eating, she was pushing against my chest with one of her hands. Had she just rested and snuggled in while I was providing her with what she needed, it would have been easier and more relaxing for the both of us. However, she's an independent little gipper and she doesn't snuggle in regularly.</p><p>It kind of hit me in that moment how much that is like the human relationship to God.</p><p>God can provide us with all that we need, if we let him. However, we are so "independent" and think we can rely on ourselves that even when we humble ourselves enough to let him "help" us, we're still usually pushing back and trying to take on some of the work. When really, if we just leaned in to him and let him provide, it would be much easier on the relationship and on both of us.</p><p>I'm guessing that God so often looks at us the way that I looked at our daughter --- "If you just rest, I'll still give you everything you need. You don't need to keep pushing against me."</p><p>It's often hard to humble ourselves enough to just rest in the moment and let God take care of us. We're really not as independent as we often think we are.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-29500967524069826832020-12-17T09:32:00.001-06:002020-12-17T09:32:41.914-06:00It's not Thanksgiving, but let's still be thankful<p> What if you woke up today with only the things that you thanked God for yesterday?</p><p>As I was packing our house and unpacking our new apartment, I came across a couple of sayings that my mom had written down for me several years ago. She made a bookmark with the above statement, and I decided to keep it in my daily devotional book, because it makes me think.</p><p>What do I need to make sure that I'm thanking God for more regularly? What is right in front of me that I take for granted, that I would be sad if it weren't there tomorrow?</p><p>So this morning, I started off by thanking God for the things in my life I would be devastated if I didn't have.</p><p>Obviously, my little girl and my amazing husband. Our dog. Our home. Plenty of food in the refrigerator and warmth from the cold. For our salvation and the grace and forgiveness of Jesus. For breath and life, for a new day that is laid before me. For financial stability in hard times. For health. For an extended family that also knows the love of God.</p><p>If you were to truly thank God for everything that is good in your life, how long would it take you? It would take me hours! Perhaps that's why 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says "Pray without ceasing." We should be constantly taking note of what God has blessed us with, ask him how we can use that for others, pray for those we come across and continually be thanking God for what is in our lives.</p><p>One more sign that my mom made that is now hanging on our fridge reads, "Dear God, I just want to take a moment, not to ask for anything, but to simply say 'thank you' for all I have."</p><p>It's not Thanksgiving, but let's remember to be thankful for all that we have this season.</p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-45042065644486474612020-12-03T18:50:00.002-06:002020-12-03T18:50:41.041-06:00Two things I'm thankful for today<p>Two sentences hit me hard and caused me to be overcome with thankfulness in an unexpected way today. </p><p>"[God's] will is preeminent and will be done."</p><p>God's will is over all. God's ability to accomplish his will doesn't depend on if Christians do what they're supposed to, when they're supposed to do it. It doesn't depend on the right President getting elected to office. It doesn't depend on a terrorism attack getting stopped instead of happening. It's doesn't depend on anything.</p><p>Think about the salvation of mankind. God decided that to save the human race, his son would have to come to Earth, live a perfect life and die for our sins before rising again and beating Satan and death. Accomplishing that purpose didn't depend on any actions of humans --- God simply used what humans did to complete his already established will, his already planned out plan.</p><p>"It is only by grace that we celebrate a lordship other than our own."</p><p>I so often look at people on social media, those who have huge followings and who think of themselves as quite something, and I judge them. Why do they think they are so important? I mean, I know that I'm not the center of the world --- now, I may sometimes act like it, unfortunately, but that's a different story --- why don't they see that they really aren't all that high and mighty?</p><p>That's where this quote hit me.</p><p>So many people see themselves as the end-all-be-all because they don't have anything else. They don't believe in a God who created this universe, who is bigger than them, who saved them from sin, who they can rely on for anything. All they have is themselves to solve problems, to make the best life for themselves, to strive to be the best they can be. They are their own lords.</p><p>And that made me realize that it truly is by grace --- undeserved mercy --- that God revealed himself to me. I should be celebrating daily that I know the truth, that I know that God exists and that I know there is someone out there much bigger than me that I can take all my problems to, that cares about me, that gives me purpose.</p><p>I don't think I've ever thought about how blessed I am to have that knowledge before.</p><p>So today, I'm thankful that I am not my own lord and that my Lord's will doesn't depend on me or anyone else, but that it will always be done.</p><p><i>Quotes from "New Morning Mercies" by Paul David Tripp.</i></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-43436157461129688352020-11-19T12:47:00.002-06:002020-11-19T12:47:47.783-06:00Free to love<p> So many mornings, I put our daughter in bed with me and watch some TV while we both wake up.</p><p>OK, while I wake up and while she plays a bit with some toys I give her.</p><p>Usually, she sits/lays next to me against the pillows, but the other day she wasn't happy just being next to me. She wiggled her way over until she was leaning against my stomach with my arm on her and then she stopped fussing and began playing.</p><p>She just wanted to be touching me, snuggling with me, instead of just next to me.</p><p>It was the first time she ever wanted to actually snuggle with me, and it made me smile. It made my heart melt because it was her choice to be near me instead of me placing her by my side.</p><p>Someone asked my husband this week why bad things happen in this world if there is a God. He responded because of free will. But why would God give us free will if it leads to bad things? There are a lot of ways to answer that, but I think one of them is illustrated by what my daughter did.</p><p>God created his children, and he wants his children to love him. However, he doesn't want to force it; he wants them to choose it.</p><p>As sweet as it was having our girl snuggled against me as a baby, it wasn't her choice. I just picked her up and held her. It was a whole other thing to have her wiggle her way over to me and snuggle me by her choice. She chose to love on me in that moment, and that made it so much sweeter than when I just love on her.</p><p>God could force us to be perfect and to not give us any choice but to love him. However, he wanted the joy of us realizing that we need him and choosing to love him with all we have. It's so much sweeter when your kids want to be by your side, and God knew that.</p><p><br /></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2973259820490373591.post-25496506439786971182020-11-18T12:51:00.000-06:002020-11-18T12:51:05.174-06:00What organization doesn't thrive when it has two leaders?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ns91qkOBUPU" width="320" youtube-src-id="ns91qkOBUPU"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">If you know me, you know that I'm passionate about the traditional view of family with the woman as the helpmate to the husband, who is the leader. That's hard for a lot of women to accept, and I could go back to the fall of mankind and the curse that was placed on Eve to desire to be her husband's leader but I won't go into that right now --- well, beyond that. Instead, I want you to watch the video above and see Oscar's comments on the stupidity of a corporation having two branch managers.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"It doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents, a boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It sounds absurd, doesn't it? A company with two CEOs? A country with two presidents? A boat with two captains? Duh, who would make the decisions?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So why, when we look at a family, is it so repulsive to think that there should be one person who is the head?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In the Christian view, the man is the head of the family, but that does not make the woman any less. Let me repeat that --- the man is the head of the family, but THAT DOES NOT MAKE THE WOMAN ANY LESS.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Charles Swindoll put it this way in his Living Insights commentary on Colossians: "...Christ serves as the perfect example. Though equal in nature to the Father, sharing in the same divinity, power, glory and authority, the Son submitted to the Father's will to accomplish God's plan of redemption, humbling himself in obedience."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">That's what it means when a wife is supposed to submit to her husband.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The big issue is often pride. Christ, in humility, submitted himself to the will of the Father to die on the cross for the sins of mankind. He didn't say, "But I'm God. I'm too good to do something like that. I'm not lower than you, lower than mankind. I can make decisions myself."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Instead, he humbled himself in submission.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Wives, you're not a lowly woman who has to submit to her husband. You get to submit, to show yourself humble, to put your husband above yourself so that the will of God can rule in your family's life. You're not told to submit to any man; you're not to make yourself lower than men in general. You're to submit to your husband.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Wives are to be a helpmate, just like Eve was created to do. The President has his cabinet to help him make decisions, but in the end, he makes the decisions and is held responsible. The pope has cardinals and bishops to help in making decisions, but in the end, the pope makes decisions and is held responsible. The CEO of a company can consult with managers, vice presidents and other leaders, but in the end makes the decisions and is held responsible.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Wives, give your husband good counsel. But in the end, in humility, submit to God's plan and to your husband's leadership and let him make the decision. He will then be held responsible for that decision, both on Earth and in heaven, as the leader of your family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Because a corporation doesn't run well with two leaders. A country doesn't run well with two leaders. A church doesn't run well with two leaders.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And neither does a family.</div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kileyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09389342592243730163noreply@blogger.com0