People without hope don't want to have children

 I just read this article about how millennials are having children at a far lesser rate than previous generations, and some are even choosing to undergo sterilization so that their choice to be child-free is permanent.

It's cited in the article that people are afraid to bring children into this world because of how messed up everything is. And also it says that they don't see a hope for this world, so they don't want to have children because they just want to behave as hedonistically as possible.

Honestly, I understand that.

If there's no hope for the future, why not have as much fun now as you can? Why not travel, see the sights and enjoy having no responsibility? I can see those people saying kids are just a responsibility that they don't need to have.

We almost decided to not have children. We agreed that the world is messed up, and did we really want to bring children into that?

We found God worked in our hearts and changed our minds to help us realize that if we want the world to be any better that we need to be the ones to raise children that make the world better. In addition to that, we don't believe that this is all there is. We have the hope in Jesus Christ that he came to Earth, died and rose from the dead to beat death so that we can accept his free gift of grace and salvation so that someday we can live with him in a perfect place where there is no more pain, no more sickness, no more death, no more anxiety, no more sadness. And we pray that we raise our children right so they also know Jesus and also will spend eternity in heaven with us.

I understand people who don't have that hope and don't know Jesus and believe that all there is is life here on Earth not wanting to bring children into it. Why subject them to pain and sickness and sadness and death?

However, we believe this is only temporary. But life with Jesus and life in a perfect place that he's prepared for us is forever after death. With that, we want to create as many souls as possible that will have that hope. We pray daily that our daughter will know Jesus and will spend eternity in heaven with him and with us. We had a miscarriage recently, and I am thankful that we created a soul that has already been blessed to be with Jesus forever.

In the article, one girl said why not get sterilized now because she lives in Texas and if she gets pregnant, she won't be able to abort her baby? For her, I kind of agree that sterilization would be a smart thing to do. Better at this point to not have any children at all than to have the chance of a child being killed.

It sounds crazy to get sterilized when you're young, but for those without hope and a future, I think I understand the reasoning.

I'm just thankful to God that he worked in our hearts to help us see that this is not all there is and that we have hope and a future with Jesus forever and that we can provide that hope to our children. And our hope is that our children will spread that message and even more people will believe and have a future hope with Jesus as well.

He is with you

 Our daughter recently noticed the baby photos of me, her and my husband hanging in her room, and pretty much daily she wants to give them each a kiss.

One morning, I just thought, "She loves babies. She would have been such a good sister. Why isn't she going to be a sister?"

She still could someday, but it just seems like she's ready now. We're ready now for a new little one. It's hard to not know why our baby won't be arriving in March as we expected.

"But now, this is what the Lord says --- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:

    'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
    'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.' " (Isaiah 43:1-2)

We're not promised an explanation. In Job, we see God talking to Satan about why Job went through his trials, but Job didn't see that. However, we're told trials are for our good and for God's glory, so that should be reason enough.

We're not told life won't be hard or painful, in fact, we're told it will be. But we're told we will remain afloat in the river of struggle and unscorched in the heat of fire. Because we're God's, and not just one of many, but by name. He knows each of us --- we're his.

I thank God for being with us through it all. He isn't just watching as we go through the pain of miscarriage; he's WITH US. He's not standing on the shore and watching; he's with us in the torrent of rushing water. That's so much more comforting. Think of it like a lifeguard, who loves you, not just watching to make sure you're not drowning as you flail while learning to swim but one who is in the water next to you, holding you up when you need a breath and a break, promising you'll get strong if you keep going, encouraging you, making sure nothing will happen to you.

God is with you every step of the way.

What's our ultimate goal as parents?

 After our miscarriage, I decided to put together cards people had written, Bible verses that spoke to me, our ultrasound pictures and other thoughts in a notebook my mother-in-law gave me when it happened. I hope that maybe someday my children can learn from the lessons that I have been given through this experience, and I thought I'd share some of them on here too.

If you know anyone someday going through the same thing, please share these blogs. I'd love for someone else to find hope through what we've gone through, for God to redeem this situation and find glory if I can help someone else find him through the hardship.

---

I decided to listen to an audiobook about Jeannie Gaffigan --- a comedian's wife who had brain surgery to remove a pear-sized tumor --- because I knew I needed some perspective. It turned out that although they have five kids, she mentioned miscarriages and told the story of going into preterm labor at 22 weeks, after seeing a healthy baby girl on an ultrasound only a couple of weeks before.

They knew the baby couldn't survive at that age, and she only lived a few hours. Jeannie asked a nun to save her baby girl, and the nun said, "What is your ultimate goal as parents? Is it to get your children to heaven? Well, this one's already going."

I was driving when I hear that, and I called my husband, tears coming to our eyes, because that's our ultimate goal -- for our children to get to heaven and love Jesus. Well, we already have one baby there. I thank the Lord Jesus we will get to spend eternity with our child, even though we missed a few years here.

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and you right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:7-16)

I prayed this over our baby. I was fearfully and wonderfully made, and so was this little one, in miniature, perfect form. I know God saw this baby, and he knew exactly how long it would be on this earth as a blessing to us. He wasn't surprised when our babe went to be with him.

Things looked dark here to us, but that darkness is light to him, because he lights it up and because he sees the victory that comes at the end when Jesus will finally come back and defeat evil once and for all. I am so thankful for our child and that he or she now makes his or her bed in heaven, where Jesus is. I absolutely cannot wait to meet him or her, give him or her a hug and tell him or her I love them. We will get to spend forever together.

To others going through miscarriage --- there's hope beyond the now

I wrote this the week it happened, but I couldn't share it. It still hurts --- I'm sure it always will. But I pray someday these next few blogs will help someone else going through the same pain.

----

With a spotting concern, I drove to the ER, hoping to get an ultrasound to see that our baby was kicking away and there wasn't anything unusual going on.

However, as a doctor entering the hospital for his shift told me to sit down and wait a minute until a nurse could check in with me, tears starting overflowing the fear that churned inside me.

The intercom turned on.

"Have you been helped?"

"No."

"What can we do?"

"I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I'm having some bleeding," I said, barely able to say the words through my the tears breaking my voice.

----

The ultrasound popped up on the screen of the cart that was rolled into my room, and the physician's assistant that had walked past me when I first entered the ER entrance rolled the wand along my bare stomach.

"I don't like it," he murmured to himself.

I saw the blurred image on the screen, and I could see the bright spot in the center of the little body that a few weeks ago was blinking quickly. However, that bright spot was still.

He kept rolling the wand around in different angles.

"I don't see a heartbeat."

A sob rocked my body, and I pressed my hands over my eyes as I lay on the table, trying to keep my belly still as I cried so that the PA-C could continue his job. I felt the nurse's hand gently on my blanket-covered foot.

"It doesn't mean...that's just what I'm seeing right now and I want to tell you what I'm seeing."

No heartbeat on the monitor, no heartbeat other than my own on the doppler. The PA-C called a larger hospital that my OB-Gyn was based out of and decided I needed a more formal ultrasound.

"I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am," he said.

----

We headed to the other hospital, but I told my husband what had happened and that I could see on the monitor there wasn't a heartbeat. Of course, I prayed that God would do a miracle and we would arrive there to find our baby was just resting and was up and moving.

It wasn't to be.

The ultrasound tech turned the lights off and started by "taking some routine pictures" of my uterus and ovaries. But I knew that if the baby was OK, she would have said immediately that she saw a heartbeat. She didn't.

She measured the baby, and the screen read 10w6d. I was supposed to be 15 weeks along.

She pulled up a view of the baby again.

"Do you want a photo for a keepsake?"

That was it. That was her way of saying it.

Our baby was gone.

"Did I read that right? The baby is measuring at 10 weeks?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

"That's when we had our first ultrasound. It was fine then, with a strong heartbeat. It must have happened right after."

She showed us where the skin had thickened on the little skull. She said that only happens when the child has been gone for a few weeks.

The ultrasound tech left the room after kindly asking if she could get our daughter some crackers as she was starting to get antsy. We declined but thanked her for the thoughtfulness.

Tears welled as I asked my husband if he would pray.

"I don't know what to say," I said.

He prayed for us --- for our sorrow --- and he thanked God that our baby was in the arms of Jesus and was able to circumvent the harshness of this world.

I hadn't thought of that. We had created a new soul, and although that little one never made it out to this earth, it was still a human and that meant it went to heaven that day more than a month before. It meant that it had the incredible blessing of never having to experience pain, disappointment, illness, heartache, fear. It was able to escape immediately to a place that God has created for all of his children.

That kind of blew my mind. If there's anything to be thankful for, it's that. What a blessing that our child never had to experience suffering.

----

I didn't want to tell people. I selfishly didn't want to hear the sympathetic words or to see anyone else grieve our loss. It's too personal. I didn't want constant reminders as I tried to sort through my thoughts. My man is my rock, and he did what needed to be done. I don't know how I'd do life without him or get through something like this without him.

My thoughts are still churning. One second I'm fine. The next I'm heartbroken that I'll never get to see this child, never get to hold it in my arms. I'm terrified at how I'll feel when I have the surgery and I'm actually no longer pregnant, when this child that I know has been gone for a while is truly gone.

But our Romans commentary, which I made my husband read when I couldn't get the words out, talked about how the Holy Spirit suffers with us. Literally, that night it said when a mother holds her lifeless child, the Spirit is there is anguish right alongside us. No one can tell me that God wasn't directly speaking to me through that passage on that exact night.

Plus, the next day, as I continued to lean on Romans 8:26-27 --- now inscribed on a necklace I wear with a heart that bears the pregnancy and infant loss awareness ribbon --- my best friend texted me that she was praying this exact verse over us.

Again, you can't tell me that our dear Father wasn't speaking directly to us through other people.

So I keep crying out, "Lord." That's it. I don't really have any other words. I keep relying on the Holy Spirit to do the talking for me.

I look at my life, and there is so much good. I'm so thankful I have my daughter to hold onto when my arms are empty, and I have my husband to hold me when I can't hold myself up. Mostly, I'm thankful that our dear Savior has given us hope that those who believe in his sacrifice on the cross will have life after death. So it breaks my heart, but I pray that Jesus will tell our child --- who is now whole and perfect --- that I love him or her and I can't wait to meet him or her.

And I pray that on this side, good comes out of this as well. Maybe it will be a way that we can tell people about the hope of Jesus. Maybe it will be a way that we can empathize with others in the future. Maybe it will be a way for God to bring us even closer together, to make us more appreciative, to make us stronger, to help us know him more --- I mean, God lost a son too, on the cross. Maybe we'll never know what the good is, but God does. He promises that his plan is for the good of those who love him. There's going to be many more ups, downs, questions, fears, tears, thankfulness, pain and love, but I'm so blessed that I have hope beyond the now.

A 99-cent dress

 I looked in my closet and pulled out the black and gold dress that I had planned to wear to an upcoming wedding.

It's been a few years since we've been to a wedding, so most of my nice dresses have been put away for a while.

I slipped into the dress and looked in the mirror, but it didn't fit the way that I thought it would. I tried on a few more and came across one that fit better than I thought, but it was about 12 years old and I thought maybe it was out of style --- or maybe I've had it for so long that it's back in style!

I had pretty much decided on this gray dress when I spotted a darkened stain on the skirt. I put some stain remover on it and washed it, but I guess a decade-old stain doesn't wash away so easily, so there I was back at square one.

There were a few more options, another older dress that still looks nice but has been worn plenty of times, or the black and gold original option that was OK but nothing stunning.

We're tightening up our budget a lot now that I'm not working, and I knew we didn't have any extra funds this month to be buying new clothes, especially for just one occasion, but I decided to head to a local discount store with our daughter to see if I could find anything.

I didn't.

So, I took a walk through Goodwill on our way back home and spotted a peach dress I thought might work. Dresses were $4.75, more than I really wanted to spend (yes, I didn't want to spend $5...) but I tried it on anyway.

I took it into the dressing room and saw that it had a red tag, which meant it was on sale. I didn't know how much, but I thought usually sale meant half-price at Goodwill.

The dress was nice, and I sent a video to my husband to see if he liked it. He was busy at work, so I walked around the store a bit to wait to see if he answered. He wasn't able to, and I debated whether I really needed to spend money on another dress when I had suitable options at home.

I decided to go for it and knew I could return it if I decided against it this week.

I took the dress to the register, and the cashier rang it up.

"99 cents," she said.

My eyes widened a bit.

"Wow. Well, can't beat that."

"Did you need the receipt?"

"No, I'm good." With a price like that, I didn't figure I needed to worry about returning it.

I took the dress home and tried it on with a pair of pumps and liked the look.

I had told my friend that I wasn't finding anything suitable to wear for the wedding, and she said she'd pray for me. I texted her and thanked her for her prayers and said I had found something, and for only 99 cents.

I have struggled a bit with what to pray for lately. We have some big things in our lives, and I bring them to God but I don't want to be too needy about material things. Especially with what has been happening to Christians around the world, most recently with those in Afghanistan, I just haven't felt like I could pray for trivial things.

But you know what? It seems silly, but that dress was like a little message from God telling me that he cares. He cares how I feel. And I thought, if God would bless me with something so silly as a 99-cent dress, why do I think that he doesn't care about the bigger things, trivial in the grand scheme of things or not?

It's a message that's been repeated several times in the last few days now that I look at it. Our pastor on Sunday said he was convicted during worship that he has been focusing on us pursuing God and loving God and not about how much God loves us. Our old pastor said in a sermon that I read that if we as parents, as evil humans, give gifts to our children, how much more so does God give good gifts to us? Nate even commented on a song on the radio that began with a nod to the verses about how the lilies of the fields don't worry about clothes and the sparrows don't worry about food but God cares for them, how much more does he care about us? Then the book I'm reading has been all about how God loves us and pursues us because we are valuable.

If you don't know it today --- God loves you. He cares about you. He's not bothered by your life; he has given you your life and he wants you to share it with him.

We are his first love, and he'll never stop trying to win us back.

The good vs. the bad husband

Our pastor said, "Imagine if your husband thought everything you do is wrong. He comes home, and he begins pointing out all that you have done wrong. Your clothes are wrong. The kids are behaving wrong. Your make-up is wrong. The house isn't kept properly. Dinner isn't good. How would that make you feel?"

I put myself in that situation, and my stomach churned a bit.

That would be awful. In fact, it would almost make you not want to live. If nothing you ever did was right, why even bother?

The pastor continued, "However, you die. You're brought back to life, and you're no longer married to that man. Now, you are married to a good man. This man couldn't love you any more. However, even though he doesn't see anything you do as wrong, he still is able to help you be a better person, to lift you up even higher. Would you ever think, 'Well, this is nice, but maybe I'll go knock on my old husband's door and try that relationship again'? Of course not."

That sounds absurd right?

The pastor was talking about Romans 7:2-3, which reads, "For example, by law, a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man."

I had always read that as straightforward. OK, don't get divorced, but if your husband dies, you can get remarried.

I had no idea until yesterday that this is a parable. Paul was actually talking about Jews and the law of the Old Testament disguised as a real-life story they could understand.

You see, the law is a set of rules that no one could ever live up to. You'd have to be perfect every moment --- both in your mind and in your actions --- of every day for your entire life. No human can do that. 

The law is a bad husband. It constantly shows you what you're doing wrong. "You broke the law --- you didn't give back the extra penny that the cashier accidentally gave you. You stole. You hate that person whose political views don't align with yours --- that's as bad as murder."

It's not that God gave the law to punish people, it's just that God is so perfect that he can't take anything less than perfection. So he gave the law to show people that they aren't perfect, and that they can't earn their way to relationship with him.

So Jews --- well, everyone --- have to die to the law and thinking that we can earn our way to heaven. We can't. Instead, God sent his son to live perfectly --- as God demands --- and to die in our places, for our sins. Then he rose again to beat death, and all we have to do is accept his sacrificial gift.

Jesus is the good husband. The church is the bride of Christ, and we all make up the church. He loves us so much that he doesn't even see us as doing wrong anymore. And at the same time, he is constantly lifting us up, helping us to do better. We have the best relationship, why on earth would we go back to trying to earn our way into heaven?

This fascinated me.

It also made me so thankful.

Earthly marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Men are supposed to love their wives like Christ loves the church. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25) As the pastor spoke about the good husband versus the bad husband, I thought about my husband. He loves me. He loves me so much that he looks past most of my faults. There are many times when I talk about something wrong with me and he just doesn't see it. Yet, at the same time, he pushes me to be better, lifts me up, helps me to be the best I can be and more.

My husband is a wonderful earthly example of the good husband that Christ is to the church.

I just can't even express my thankfulness. My thankfulness that Christ gave himself up for me and loves me so much that I don't have to be married to the "law," and thankful that my husband is a man of God who exemplifies this every day in real life.

More than we can ask or imagine

This church posts its weekly sermons, and regular viewership is around 20-30 views. The video above has 4,400 views. The one below has 1,200.

That's because these two messages are from Sgt. Jim Smith, who was recently shot and killed in his role as an Iowa State Trooper. People now know his name and are looking up what he had to say.

When I see these messages, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me think about life.

First, I see that Jim gave the "Act Your Age" message a month ago. No one ever thought as he was giving it that this 51-year-old man would be gone in only three weeks' time. We never know what the future holds.

Second, I think about the fact that as so many people mourn the loss of this godly man that it is so much different for him. Because he loved Jesus so much and had accepted Jesus' death and resurrection in place of his sins, Jim is now experiencing the utmost joy --- he is in the presence of God.

Third, I think about these views. When Jim gave these messages to his small-town church, I'm sure he expected maybe 50-100 people to hear him. I'm sure he never thought that his messages would reach thousands, and that thousands more would hear the gospel message of Jesus' sacrifice for all of us at his funeral. It makes me think of Ephesians 3:20-21, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."

In the midst of heartbreak and turmoil, God is able to still use Jim and his legacy, immeasurably more than I'm sure he could have ever asked for or imagined.

I'm so sorry for Jim's family. I'm so sorry for all the people who loved him. But I'm thankful for a God that can redeem a terrible situation and use it to reach people for His glory. May Jim's family be proud that he is continuing to set an example even now.