You know what I wish, I wish it was easy to do the right thing.
I guess it says where I am in life that it's not always easy to do the right thing. If my heart was at the place it should be with God, it probably wouldn't take so much effort to do the right thing all the time. It should just be second nature, and I really shouldn't think anything about it.
When it comes to a choice between doing the easy thing and the right thing, I often think, "How do I want to be remembered?" Do I want to be remembered for me as a regular human, or do I want to be remembered for a woman who served, loved and gave without pause. Definitely the second.
But it's not always easy to make that decision. There have already been a couple of times this week that I've been faced with some situations that I didn't want to deal with. I've been so tempted to do what I wanted to do, what felt more comfortable, what didn't frustrate or disappoint me. But I knew what the right thing was, and I did it.
However, I haven't been super pleased with my reactions to doing it. I've thrown up my hands and growled in frustration, and I've cried in disappointment. What I really wish is that I got joy from doing what pleases God instead of getting upset about it inside while doing what's right on the outside.
I feel fake when I act right but my heart isn't in it. I guess it's not fake, it's obedient, but I want my heart to desire to do the right thing and for it to feel good instead of just acting in the right way.
I have to say, I think this is something I've dealt with my whole life. I remember when I went to college and made a few poor decisions that my mom told me she wished that her and my dad had instilled in my brother a heart that desired to do the right things and not just made us act right on the outside. I am in no way blaming my parents. I actually think they blame themselves way too much for this attitude. I think this is the attitude of sinful humankind, and I think it's my fault for not being in love enough with God to have a heart that just desires to do what he wants and finds joy in giving in difficult situations.
I'm not sure this is the most coherent blog. Sometimes when I write amidst emotion it doesn't always come out right, but I guess it does come out honestly. I honestly pray that God will give me a heart that desires to selflessly give and that it is not just me acting in the right way but it is me not even noticing that I'm doing the right thing because I'm so used to do it and so passionate about what God wants that it is just second nature.
Until then, here's to doing the right thing and not always enjoying it.