Ugh. Leave it to Satan to torment you for no particular reason.
I have found in years past that the moment I look down on someone for doing something I would never do, I end up doing it. Or the moment I take pride in how far I have come, I fall off the wagon. I know it's Satan that is tempting me in my weak spots, even if I think those spots are strong.
Throughout my life, I've struggled with worry. I've worried about everything, from throwing away things I thought I might need in the future to what summer job to take to what college to go to. I've worried about the big things and the little things, to the point of making myself sick.
I was talking with someone the other day and seeing how much this person struggled with worry over things that I know shouldn't be worried about, and I vividly remember thinking, "I'm glad that I don't struggle with anxiety anymore."
It was like opening a door.
This past week or two, I have felt knots in my stomach over the most random things. I've stressed out entirely about my dance classes, worrying that I didn't hand out the right costumes months ago and that for picture day on Sunday that the kids would show up without costumes and it would be my fault.
I will admit, there are times that I haven't prioritized my classes like I should have, and when these worries come it's hard to combat them with "I've done my best, and I know everything will work out. If it doesn't, it won't be my fault." That's often how I combat my worried feelings. But when I don't have that, I don't know what to combat it with.
I've tried to become more organized this past week, and done my best to e-mail my students' parents to tell them to check all their stuff and let me know if something is missing, and I haven't received anything back. So I guess I just have to be content with that.
And then there's the next moment when I get a pit in my stomach for no reason. And then I start to worry that I shouldn't have that feeling, that I shouldn't get those pits in my stomach anymore.
So I'm worrying about worrying? I'm worrying about how to get rid of my worry?
It's a vicious cycle.
And it's somewhere I've been before. It's somewhere I used to live. And I got out of it, and I have loved my life without worry. I've gotten so much better at trusting God to take care of what is beyond my control, and I guess I have to trust him that even if I do mess up, and something truly is my fault, that he will help me work it out for the best.
I'm never going to be perfect, so if my only way to combat worry is to tell myself I've done my best, then that won't work. I can't always do my best. I will fail. I will falter. And those moments, I have to know that God is in control and he is bigger than my mistakes.
Plus, I know I have to live beyond my feelings. That's another thing I was talking to this same person about, that they can't just go by how they feel. Sometimes we feel crappy. When I feel worrisome and have those pits in my stomach for no reason, then I need to turn everything over to God and go about my day.
So, thank you Lord that you are in control. Forgive me for falling into a trap that I have many times in the future. I'm sorry for the areas that I have slacked, and I'm sorry for not always doing my best. Please use me, and even my failures, for good.