We went back to our hometown this weekend and spent time with family and one conversation made me ponder something about myself.
We were joking about the fact that we're aggravating my mother-in-law by not having children yet, and my mom said people often ask her if I'm pregnant or planning on having kids soon.
I said, "We have a plan. We're following the plan."
"But you haven't told anyone your plan," she said.
"I tell people that I don't know what Kiley will do. I won't know until she is pregnant and probably pregnant for quite a while."
"That's absolutely correct."
I kind of stopped there. That sounds terrible. It sounds like I don't share anything about my life with my family. It sounds selfish. Why wouldn't I tell anyone our plans or share when we would start trying to have a baby?
I thought about that for a while yesterday, and I realized it's because I keep my dreams really close to the vest. I take my dreams into my heart and I count on them. It takes a lot for me to even admit dreams to myself in case they don't come true. It takes even more for me to talk about them with my husband.
Beyond that, I don't really tell people about my dreams. It's too hard to talk about them, because dreams are plans to me. So if they don't come true I'm upset and disappointed. I don't want others to be disappointed or see failure in my life. So I just wait to see what happens. Then if things work out the way that I plan, I will share.
I know that God is really in control, so as much as I plan or wish something, it could change. I like room for change. I don't want someone to count on me doing something because I said that was a plan. I don't want to have to explain. I like to leave room for life to change and God to work.
I've seen that in my life a lot more than I realized. I didn't tell people we took in a dog because I wasn't sure we were going to keep it, so I just kept it quiet until plans were more finalized. I didn't tell people we were planning on buying land to build a future home, and a lot of people --- those I'm not close to --- still don't know. I don't talk about it on a daily basis.
Children are even more important, so I guess that's why I don't share. We have talked about it, and we have a plan, but so does God. So until I see what that turns out to be, I'll probably stay quiet. That's just who I am. That's just how my dreams work.
Another way situations and questions help me ponder who I really am and why I work the way I work. Always thinking, always contemplating, always discovering who God created me to be.