Beyond all I can ask for or imagine

A few months ago, I noticed a dark band running down my thumbnail.

I thought it was odd, but it didn't go much beyond that. When it didn't go away, I decided to look it up online to see if there was a reason for it.

Since the Internet always jumps to the most dramatic conclusion, the most logical explanation seemed to be that it was a sign of melanoma. I sent a photo to a local dermatologist who said that it did indeed need biopsied, and my doctor agreed.

Of course, that led me down a rabbithole of looking online and just confirming my worst fears. It led to praying, crying and worrying as I waited.

I've always struggled with worry, and it can get out of control pretty easily with me. I finally found some prayers online and a blog that helped me to rein in my terror. I keep repeating 2 Corinthians 10:5b, "we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I need to keep repeating the truth that God is bigger, greater and has everything under control.

One of my favorite fictional characters says in a book that God is not up there wringing his hands going, "How did this happen?"

The reason that I have been freaking out though, is because my life is just too good. I'm so worried that something is going to happen and my life is going to be taken away from me. I'm worried that I won't get to see my daughter grow up, live a full life with my wonderful husband or get to have any more children with him. I absolutely love every moment of my life with my husband and daughter, and I just want more of it.

I have such a tight hold on my life, that it is difficult to unlease my grasp and give it to God. I know he knows best, and I pray that there is nothing wrong when I get the biopsy next week, but giving up control is difficult --- even though I don't actually have control at any moment. Any moment any of us could die for a number of reasons.

Today, my favorite book characters quoted Ephesians 3:20-21, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.

Our God is so big that we can't even think to ask him to do all that he can do. We can't even imagine what he can accomplish.

That is power.

In this crazy year, when it seems like around every turn God is showing me that I have no control, but that he is truly in control, it's a nice reminder that he is so powerful that it's beyond anything I can ask for or imagine. He can do literally ANYTHING. If anyone is in control, I want it to be him.

I've got to let go of all that I hold so tightly to and give it to him, because it's better in his hands than mine anyway.

Little piranhas

The nurse told us she didn't have any worries about our daughter being able to breastfeed well when we went home, because "She's a little piranha."

It sure seems like that has come true, because she has steadily gained weight and grown --- putting her off of the growth chart for her age. Nate jokes that I feed her gravy.

This morning, I wasn't getting ready to feed her quite quick enough for her liking, which happens quite often, and she started wailing. I had her in my arms, I had the breastfeeding pillow, she should have known that she'd have what she wanted soon and that I haven't let her starve yet, but she still couldn't quite help but crying that she didn't have what she wanted right when she wanted it.

I looked at her as she calmed as soon as she started to eat and wondered if that's how God sees us.

He is a mature adult, much wiser than we are. He looks at us like a wailing baby, when we act like we know best and want what we want when we want it.

"I'm working on it for you," I bet he says. "Can't you see that I'm solving the problem for you? It just takes some time."

But we wail anyway. Even though he has never let us down before, we still want what we want when we want it.

The good thing is, when I look at my daughter as she wails, I smile. I never thought a crying baby would make me smile, but she's so adorable and I love her so much that even her cries are cute. Plus, it's almost comical that she can't wait a few seconds for me to provide for her.

I'm guessing God looks at us the same way. He knows that our brains aren't developed enough to see that he's working on our problems, to see that he is taking care of us, to see that we have nothing to worry about. He smiles, because he loves us. He doesn't mind that we sometimes cry out to him, because he created us and wants to take care of us.

And he is.

Even if we're piranhas and want what we want when we want it.