Genesis: The painful path of maturity

I'm back!

Since Grandma died, life has felt like a whirlwind and we've done nothing but go, go, go.

But this morning I'm back at church, and we're continuing with the book of Genesis, now getting to the story of Jacob, Laban and Laban's daughters.

Jacob returned to his mother's land, and he met his cousin, Rachel. She showed up with her father's sheep, and Jacob rolled away the stone from the well. He was showing off his muscles for the beautiful girl. And her watered her sheep, again, showing off for this beauty.

Jacob tells Rachel he is a relative, and she tells her father, and everyone is super excited. Jacob knew the story of his parents, how his grandfather sent a servant to this place and found Rebekah for Isaac. He wants the same thing to happen for himself and Rachel. However, most likely Laban just saw dollar signs. He had seen the huge dowry paid for his sister Rebekah, and he wanted the same thing for his daughter.

But Jacob didn't have anything. So he offered to work for his uncle for seven years in exchange for Rachel. Laban agreed, although it was twice the typical payment of a dowry. Laban took advantage of his family member; you can see where Jacob inherited his cheating persona. The seven years when pretty quickly for Jacob and Rachel as they waited for their wedding day.

Laban really wanted to get rid of his older daughter before Rachel, so on Jacob's wedding night he gave him Leah, whose name means cow, who was not very attractive, who was nothing compared to Rachel. Jacob didn't realize it because Leah was covered in a veil, and Jacob got drunk during the "drinking feast." By the time it was dark and no one could see, Jacob slept with Leah, but didn't realize it.

We know it was bad that Laban tried to exploit Jacob, but think about Leah. She had seen Jacob and Rachel's love blossom. She knew of their feelings for each other. However, she still went along with her dad's plan to steal her sister's groom. That side of it is not often thought about.

Jacob wakes up and freaks out. His uncle manipulates him once more to get more work out of him in exchange for Rachel. This creates havoc in the home as Leah now is trying to always outdo her sister to be the beloved wife.

This happened because Laban said that it was not customary to give the younger before the older. So they had snuck in and fooled Jacob. It was just like what he had done in his own family. His older brother was supposed to have his family's blessing, but Jacob had dressed as his brother and stolen it. Now his first wife had jumped in, dressed as her sister and stolen her sister's joy. Jacob could see what he had done to his brother.

God is committed to maturing us, but we all struggle with certain sins. Sometimes then we have to deal with someone else who struggles with the same sin so we can see what it's like to be on the receiving end of that sin. It will help break us of that sin when we get frustrated with it.

Oh how I have experienced that before. I've seen my own sin in others' lives, and it is always convicting. Galatians 6:7 says, "For whatever one sows, that he will also reap."

Your sin will come back to haunt you, not only in its consequences but also as God brings similar situations in your life as he tries to teach you a lesson.

Go against the crowd

Planning was underway for a large conference when it was brought to the board to use almost half of its budget for a keynote speaker.

The other keynote was less than one-fifth of that price, but one person on the board was for spending the extra thousands of dollars on this one man.

After a few minutes, a vote was taken, and it was almost unanimous ayes.

Until one person said nay. Asked why, the man said it was just too much money for one speaker.

Then another piped up, "I think so too."

And another.

And another.

Until the measure was voted down.

People are so afraid to go against the majority that they won't even speak their minds about an issue of thousands of dollars.

Or life and death.

My Bible reading this morning is the worst in the book --- Jesus' crucifixion. It isn't exactly how I want to start my day. But I found it interesting the part about the crowd that asked for Barabbas. I didn't really realize that it said that the chief priests had swayed the crowd. They didn't want Jesus to be released, so they talked people into asking for a hardened criminal instead.

And people went for it!

Can you imagine? People loved Jesus and knew all the wonderful things he did, and many, many knew that he was the son of God. But they still asked for a criminal, because their leaders had persuaded them.

It often seems like it is just a problem in today's culture that people have no background and are afraid of going against the crowd, but it is obviously just human nature, because that issue is thousands of years old.

Stand up for what's right. Stand up for truth. Stand up and be brave.

That's all for today.

Blessed assurance

I spent this weekend with my Grandma, who has been fighting colon cancer for more than a year. After getting put on hospice and given weeks to live, she took a turn and it was only going to be days.

I got to her house and bedded down on the living room floor with my mom, next to Grandma's hospital bed. It was like deja vu. Her face was sunken, her bony nose sticking out, her breath ragged. It was just like Grandpa had been only two years earlier when I had stayed the night on the floor, waiting for him to die.

Mom and I talked, her admitting some of the difficulties she had been through the last few days. Grandma told me and everyone else what a good job my mom was doing caring for her, but she wouldn't admit something emotional like that to my mom, and that is hard information to get secondhand.

But Mom still did what God and her heart told her, and she got up every two hours to give her mom the medicine that kept her out of pain. Between Grandma and my restless dog, we didn't get much sleep.

By 4 a.m. Grandma had become really unresponsive. With my uncle we decided to stop morphine dosage until it appeared she needed some. And then we sat down to wait.

Grandma's breathing had noticeably slowed, to 10 breaths per minute we counted, and we weren't sure how much longer she would last. So the family was called and siblings arrived.

And we waited. We sat by Grandma's side and waited. We counted breaths and waited. We held her hand and waited. We gave her medicine and waited. We flipped the cool washcloth on her head and waited.

I prayed not knowing what to pray for. I prayed God would take Grandma so she wouldn't be in pain, but here she was so there has to be some reason he wasn't done in this situation yet. And I looked around at the brokenness around us. In one little room there was so much brokenness --- broken marriages, addiction, broken relationships between parents and children, poverty, fear --- brokenness.

And I prayed that somehow God could come in and do work there.

Grandma held on.

We waited. We sat by Grandma's side and waited. We counted breaths and waited. We held her hand and waited. We gave her medicine and waited. We flipped the cool washcloth on her head and waited.

I went back to my parents' house to get a good night's sleep before the long drive home. We thought maybe peace and quiet would help Grandma relax enough to pass, because she was such an independent stubborn woman that she would have wanted to be alone when it happened.

My Grandma was far from perfect. She lived a rough life, and to be honest she was a coarse woman. We had talked to Grandma about God, about how Jesus came to Earth to die on the cross to take our sin on himself, how he rose again to beat death, how if we accept him as our Savior we are forgiven of our sins and get to spend eternity in heaven after death.

Grandma understood and said at the end she knew where she was going and had peace about death. But you never really know what is going on in someone's heart.

And then it happened.

I woke up at 3:15 when my mom called.

"Grandma went to be with Jesus."

Breath out.

"OK."

"No, she really went to be with Jesus. She was struggling to breath and your dad and I started reading Scripture to her. We could tell she was scared and fighting it. We told her to call out to Jesus. She opened her eyes and moved her mouth and that's when she passed."

"Oh my gosh."

"I have no doubt. My mom is in heaven. This body that was laying like a corpse opened her eyes and called out to Jesus. She was scared because she had such a bad father and then she met Jesus!"

"Oh my gosh." Tears streaming. "I knew there was a reason God was having her hang on."

That was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. God gave everyone exactly what they needed. He gave my Grandma someone there to help her find him at the very end and he gave my mom blessed assurance of where her mom is.

What is even more beautiful is God overlooks our doubts. When we accept him, that's it. We're his. Grandma was scared to die. She was fighting it for days. She was unsure. Yet, Jesus called to her and opened his arms, and she got to run into them. No reservations. No punishment. Just acceptance.

And now she is alive. She is truly alive. And she is alive forever. She had eternal life with a perfect body in a place beyond all imagination.

Someone from my broken family. Someone from a harsh past. Someone full of problems. Instead of death being painful and ending in torment in hell, where we all deserve to go, Jesus took her plea for forgiveness on earth and wrote her name down. So when it came time, he didn't see any sin. He just saw his child. And he welcomed her home.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise him all creatures here below.
Praise him above, ye heavenly hosts.
Praise Father, Son and holy ghost.

Amen Lord. Thank you. Praise you.

I'll see my Grandma again someday. What blessed assurance.

Slow, slow, quick, quick

Nate and I started taking ballroom lessons this week. He is such a trooper. He has a horrible cold but sucked it up to go to the first class with me.

We weren't sure what to expect, because the class description didn't entail much, but we were told during class that we would learn three basic dances in the six-week course --- the foxtrot, swing and waltz.

We began with the foxtrot --- slow, slow, quick, quick.

So, I kind of figured that it would be simple enough for us to pick up on. I mean, I teach dance and Nate enjoys dancing. It shouldn't be hard for us to learn a few steps, right?

But it was a bit more difficult than I imagined for one major reason. Nate is completely in charge during the foxtrot, and I simply have to follow his silent directions.

If you haven't taken ballroom before, the basic foxtrot is the man guides the direction through hand pressure. The female is going backward the entire time, so the man uses pressure to tell her when they will turn at the end of the dance floor, to turn when he wants to promenade, to tighten up when they need to dance in place in order to not hit someone, to turn her. He does everything silently, and she is to follow his direction without knowing what is coming.

My instinct in dance is to take control. I anticipate where we are going and try to accommodate those changes. It's easy for me to pick up on the footwork, and then it makes me want to lead so that even if he messes up I can keep us going.

The teacher also explained that it is hard for the man to lead because men have a one-track mind. Women can multitask, and that means ballroom dancing is easier for them. Men have to learn to do multiple things at once --- keep their feet moving, guide their partner, anticipate, signal.

Ballroom dancing is so much like marriage. Nate and I have down pretty well that the man leads, but I know it is natural for women to slip into the leadership role when they don't see their man controlling the way things are heading. We anticipate, and men sometimes don't, so we take the lead when we anticipate more than they do. However, it is their God-given job to lead us. We need to allow that.

Yes, sometimes our feet might get twisted. We might bungle over each other. But that doesn't mean that the woman can just take control. She is to trust her husband and let him guide her, because she doesn't always see what's going on.

During ballroom, when I would try to take control, Nate had to regain that control, because I was going backward and even though I thought I knew what was best, he could see that we were about to bump into someone and had to steer me. He had to use that upperhand and bring us back in line as a couple.

We messed our feet up at one point and started cracking up. The teacher commented, "At least you are laughing about it."

I actually said to Nate later, "Do you think that he sees couples who don't laugh when they mess up?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that some people get mad at each other."

"Why would you get mad about it?"

"I don't know. Maybe they get frustrated that they're doing something wrong."

I think that is a huge issue in marriage as well. When you mess up together, sometimes you just have to laugh it off. You can't always fault the other person for a making a mistake. You take what happened and you start again. It only makes situations worse when you aren't sure you can count on your spouse to support you through failures. It makes things so much easier when you know you can mess up and move on together without a fight.

I'm excited to continue our dance lessons together. Slow, slow, quick, quick. That's the way life works. Some moves are slow, some are fast. But through it all, you're together. Just don't lose hold on each other and you can keep dancing through life with a smile on.

Good-bye cellulite?

The no-sugar diet has been quite successful. It hasn't been easy, and I'm amazed by what sounds good right now (pancakes, Oreos ---- I've never been huge on Oreos), but it has been successful.

The latest result I have noticed has been a lack of cellulite. Now, as I mentioned before, I didn't try this to lose weight. I had been noticing that my legs were taking on a bulgy appearance. Even though I was lifting and gaining muscle tone, that muscle seemed to be pushing out and tightening a layer of fat under my skin, and it was bumpy.

I was not happy to see that happen, and I was shocked at the places that it was. I mean, yes, my thighs and butt. That's not weird to have cellulite there. But my calves? If I moved just right, I could see that even my muscular calves were starting to take on a dented appearance when the skin was pulled tight, like when I would sit back on my heels.

Then, this week, I started to notice that my legs were looking smoother. I tried sitting a few ways that usually horrifically showed off the cellulite, and I tried squishing my calf skin, and the bulges were noticeably less than they had been just a few weeks ago.

I have always known sugar isn't good for me. I have quite an addiction to it when it is around though. In the past the way I have gotten over my addiction is not by eating "just a little bit," because that often turned into "just a little more," but to give it up completely. Giving it up gave me a reason to say "No."

When this experiment/sacrifice ends, I'm going to have to make some actual changes in life. I'm coming to the age that what I put inside my body really does affect me, and I guess this is as good a time as any to get into better habits.

So you'll probably be hearing more about this in the future!

Worry wart

Ugh. Leave it to Satan to torment you for no particular reason.

I have found in years past that the moment I look down on someone for doing something I would never do, I end up doing it. Or the moment I take pride in how far I have come, I fall off the wagon. I know it's Satan that is tempting me in my weak spots, even if I think those spots are strong.

Throughout my life, I've struggled with worry. I've worried about everything, from throwing away things I thought I might need in the future to what summer job to take to what college to go to. I've worried about the big things and the little things, to the point of making myself sick.

I was talking with someone the other day and seeing how much this person struggled with worry over things that I know shouldn't be worried about, and I vividly remember thinking, "I'm glad that I don't struggle with anxiety anymore."

It was like opening a door.

This past week or two, I have felt knots in my stomach over the most random things. I've stressed out entirely about my dance classes, worrying that I didn't hand out the right costumes months ago and that for picture day on Sunday that the kids would show up without costumes and it would be my fault.

I will admit, there are times that I haven't prioritized my classes like I should have, and when these worries come it's hard to combat them with "I've done my best, and I know everything will work out. If it doesn't, it won't be my fault." That's often how I combat my worried feelings. But when I don't have that, I don't know what to combat it with.

I've tried to become more organized this past week, and done my best to e-mail my students' parents to tell them to check all their stuff and let me know if something is missing, and I haven't received anything back. So I guess I just have to be content with that.

And then there's the next moment when I get a pit in my stomach for no reason. And then I start to worry that I shouldn't have that feeling, that I shouldn't get those pits in my stomach anymore.

So I'm worrying about worrying? I'm worrying about how to get rid of my worry?

It's a vicious cycle.

And it's somewhere I've been before. It's somewhere I used to live. And I got out of it, and I have loved my life without worry. I've gotten so much better at trusting God to take care of what is beyond my control, and I guess I have to trust him that even if I do mess up, and something truly is my fault, that he will help me work it out for the best.

I'm never going to be perfect, so if my only way to combat worry is to tell myself I've done my best, then that won't work. I can't always do my best. I will fail. I will falter. And those moments, I have to know that God is in control and he is bigger than my mistakes.

Plus, I know I have to live beyond my feelings. That's another thing I was talking to this same person about, that they can't just go by how they feel. Sometimes we feel crappy. When I feel worrisome and have those pits in my stomach for no reason, then I need to turn everything over to God and go about my day.

So, thank you Lord that you are in control. Forgive me for falling into a trap that I have many times in the future. I'm sorry for the areas that I have slacked, and I'm sorry for not always doing my best. Please use me, and even my failures, for good.

The no-sugar update

I would love some ice cream.

Or that coffee cake I saw on "Pioneer Woman."

The cupcakes they're eating on "Fixer Upper" look good too.

So, yeah, I miss sugar.

Only three more weeks though.

I have been doing alright with my Lenten decision, although it has taken down a lot of my food options. I've eaten a lot of homemade bread, natural peanut butter, peanuts, bananas and smoothies. But that has made me eat quite a bit healthier than I usually do which is a good thing.

I would normally think that this would help boost my immune system, but I did end up catching a pretty good cold from someone at work. Maybe my sugar intake doesn't impede my immune system as much as I thought it would have.

I have lost a couple of pounds. That is not super unusual for me. I'm not one of those people that stays at one set weight. I usually fluctuate within three-four pounds. We have also been consistently going to the gym, so that might have something to do with it.

I guess the biggest update with my sugar diet is I'm not dead. Who would have guessed you could give up all sugar and still live?