Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Want to want to do right

As I read Psalms, I am just constantly impressed by the way David wants to live for God and strives to be a man after his own heart.

He made plenty of mistakes, but the Psalms read like a love letter to your most beloved, that you want to sacrifice for them and joyfully give to them.

As I was reading Psalm 27, I think that is what struck me most. I want to so much have a close relationship with God, but how do I want to give up everything for him? I hate to admit it, but I don't. I struggle with every ounce of my earthly being in not wanting to sacrifice for my faith.

There are so many in the world today who have such a passion for God that they will risk everything for it, and I am concerned that my faith is not that strong. It isn't tested often, and when I am asked by God to give something up, it's a giant struggle.

It's that selfishness creeping in again. I know that in marriage selfishness is wrong, and I have to combat it every day. However, in my marriage, I want to give up being selfish, because I see how damaging it is to the relationship. Maybe it boils down to that fact that I can't see God. I can't see his reaction to my selfish actions, so I don't feel as bad about them.

I guess the question is, how do I want to give up everything? I want to want that, but I don't want that.

Do you ever get afraid to ask God to teach you how to do something? Do you ever think it's just inviting struggle into your life because we so often learn through the hard times? Sometimes I want to just find an easy way to learn a lesson, but I get worried that God knows that I won't learn it very well. So instead of inviting a hard lesson, I just want to avoid the lesson altogether and go on my merry way.

Ugh. I pray that the Lord gives me a heart that desires to change and be a better person, because I know that without his help I'm a doomed case. Just like every one of us.

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